The Plan - Day One

Don't eat.
Sounds easy enough right?
 I started my day by juicing.

1 cabbage
10 lg carrots
1 bunch celery
1 small beet
2 lemons

It came out pretty tasty.
I had 2 shots of it.
The rest went into a pitcher to save for later.
I'll have a shot glass of it a couple times a day for vitamins.

 The diet is a liquid diet.
 I'm allowing myself veggie juice, protein shakes, water, and broth in the evening.
The broth may have lean meat added to it if needed as well as low carb veggies.
Everything else is a not allowed.

 I was doing fine today until noon when I got into an argument with a family member and headed to the refrigerator.
I wasn't hungry...
 Just something about that feeling made me seek comfort.
I don't get comfort, so I eat.
Noted.
Then I felt a bit better and wanted to eat again.
I didn't.
But the first attack I did eat about 10 olives.

I had a shot of my veggie juice for breakfast.
10 olive attack.
And a Vega Protein Smoothie for lunch (80 cal).
The Vega Protein Smoothie is actually pretty tasty.
http://myvega.com/product/protein-smoothie/
And it's completely vegan.
I'm not, but I prefer it.
So that's today so far.

Fuck.

Workout starts tomorrow.

Shit just got real.

I hate that part. The part where you have to fucking do something.

The part where you say... "Hey bitch, win or die."
And you say... "Is dying really so bad? Dying is easy... and they have cake."
Then the other voice says, "You lazy fucking piece of shit! Move your fucking ass!"

There are other voices too. Most of them are also pissed.

So tomorrow I reboot my workout.
I've been dabbling for 2 months.
I always gain when I start a workout...
"Yeah, because the bitch wasn't trying HARD enough! Outpace it dumbass!"
Ok, ok...
Shit. That's why I'm here. To out pace it.

Well I have to go. Loverboy and I have business.
Nothing too exciting.

That reminds me of a proana bdsm friend I had back in the day.
Don't remember her name.
I miss all of my old ana friends.
Scarlet is the only one I found that I recognize.
She's a sweetie and in her story of the last year or so... it sounds a lot like mine.
(http://transparentbeauty.blogspot.com/)
The rest who knows... worse, recovered, thin, fat, lost to time.
But I do miss them and wonder.
I should never have left.

If I hadn't left, I wouldn't be back.

Peace, love, and fabulous fucks,

~AnnaStellA

Ednos, Proana, and Goals

I'm a binge eater and a supposed anorexia risk.
Not that I've ever gotten close enough to "thin" to find out the latter.
And I'm in a phase where my obsessions about my weight are starting to interfere with my relationships.
Especially romantic ones.

I feel disgusting.
When someone compliments me I feel hostile underneath.
Like they're lying to my face and I don't know who I hate more...
Them for lying,
Or myself for not being worth the compliment.

I try not to think about it. Often, I can.
But then I gain weight and am reminded by my lover.
Then the hate comes back.

It's getting bad now.

So, it's Ed for me. And a long time too.
He and I have been hooking up for about 15 years.
Supposedly Ana, but I don't claim to know her so well.
Starvation schmarvation... Ana makes you thin and I am not.
Mia? Hmmm... No. But I've had my brushes.
Mia scares me more than food. She's the devil staring back.
She's the crack addiction I just don't want.
I've avoided her... but I won't lie either.
She sends me a post card occasionally just to remind me she's there.
I haven't written back in 5 years.

Goals?
Goals!
Well it IS a prog blog, ain't it?

I clocked in at 190 yesterday. FMFL.
So...

HW 190
LW 125
CW 190
GW1 140
(Height 5'10")

I don't want to think about GW2. 140 would make me ecstatic.
I haven't weighed 140 in something like 15 or 16 years.
Yes, I'm old. Not shitty old, but old.
Older than most here.
All the more reason for me to reach my goals before its too late.
If I make it, I've probably got another 10-15 sexy years before it doesn't matter anyway.
I'd like to enjoy those while I can since I fucked up my 20's so bad.
I have good genes though. Time to take advantage.

<3

Love you, loves.

AnnaStellA

The Return

I've been here before.

It was April 15, 2010. The trigger was pulled, the bullet fired.
And rather than let it kill me, I ran with it.

Is that wrong?
Is it better to be a victim?
Poor me. I was wronged.
Wronged by fat.
Wronged by my own lifestyle.
Then finally wronged by the man I love.

"You're too fat. I want a trophy. It's like I don't even know you."
Paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Be a victim? That's not me.
If anyone is going to cut me, it'll be me.
I'll stop being my own worst enemy when I find a more worthy opponent.

So I rang out as loud as the shot. And it worked for a while.
But then I backslid into the comfort puddle of my insipid happiness.

Happiness? Unacceptable.

Happiness and contentment is something for the dead and dying.
Something to pass the time, apparently.

I like happiness, but I'm not allowed to have it.
I like myself, but I'll never be left alone in that contentment.
I'm going to have to fight for it.
My surroundings have deemed me undeserving of my self esteem and contentment.

The shot has been fired again. Four years later.
This time I finish the job.

If you can run ahead of the bullet,
nearly as fast as the bullet,
even if it does hit you,
it doesn't hurt as much.

I love you. Be strong.

<3,

AnnaStellA Bella
A Second Coming
Formerly Proanabanana