Ednos, Proana, and Goals

I'm a binge eater and a supposed anorexia risk.
Not that I've ever gotten close enough to "thin" to find out the latter.
And I'm in a phase where my obsessions about my weight are starting to interfere with my relationships.
Especially romantic ones.

I feel disgusting.
When someone compliments me I feel hostile underneath.
Like they're lying to my face and I don't know who I hate more...
Them for lying,
Or myself for not being worth the compliment.

I try not to think about it. Often, I can.
But then I gain weight and am reminded by my lover.
Then the hate comes back.

It's getting bad now.

So, it's Ed for me. And a long time too.
He and I have been hooking up for about 15 years.
Supposedly Ana, but I don't claim to know her so well.
Starvation schmarvation... Ana makes you thin and I am not.
Mia? Hmmm... No. But I've had my brushes.
Mia scares me more than food. She's the devil staring back.
She's the crack addiction I just don't want.
I've avoided her... but I won't lie either.
She sends me a post card occasionally just to remind me she's there.
I haven't written back in 5 years.

Goals?
Goals!
Well it IS a prog blog, ain't it?

I clocked in at 190 yesterday. FMFL.
So...

HW 190
LW 125
CW 190
GW1 140
(Height 5'10")

I don't want to think about GW2. 140 would make me ecstatic.
I haven't weighed 140 in something like 15 or 16 years.
Yes, I'm old. Not shitty old, but old.
Older than most here.
All the more reason for me to reach my goals before its too late.
If I make it, I've probably got another 10-15 sexy years before it doesn't matter anyway.
I'd like to enjoy those while I can since I fucked up my 20's so bad.
I have good genes though. Time to take advantage.

<3

Love you, loves.

AnnaStellA